I often find myself questioning why do I watch so many Asian dramas when I have so many other priorities that I need to take care of. I usually just brush it off and lie to myself that it’s because I miss the Chinese language as a whole. More of like a homesick feeling. I can’t say that it’s all false because I do miss the feeling of being surrounded by people that I love. But today, I just find myself questioning it again. It’s become more of an excuse to just shut myself off from reality. I become numb. Following the lives of fictional characters is just so much more entertaining than dealing with my emotions. To this day, I can’t say that my college experience has been phenomenal. I found myself spending most of my time being sad and empty than happy. Sure there are moments of spontaneous happiness but it always comes back to emptiness feeling. I don’t think I’ve even went to bed happy more than 5 times. I wonder if there really is anything wrong with me sometimes. I can’t make friends, or actually I can’t make them stay. I know I have social anxiety, and I’m just trying so damn hard to fix it. I just finished rush week for a sorority and I actually thought I had a chance. I made such a big effort being around the girls hoping they will like me. It was hard stepping outside of my comfort zone but I knew I wanted to be a part of this so badly. I just had to put on a brave face. I honestly only slept for probably 3 hours last night because I was so nervous about the phone call telling me whether I got the invitation or not. After they said sorry, you didn’t get an invitation. I honestly didn’t feel anything. And then what did I turn to? Back to my dramas. I couldn’t face the reality. I couldn’t face that I failed once again to be a part of something. 3 hours later and I’m just sitting here writing down my emotions, with no one to turn to. I just feel so alone sometimes. Am I ever gonna find people who will genuinely stay in life? I’m honestly just chugging along each day. Same routines, patiently waiting for the day when I could escape this college life “reality” and go back home. Home is my escape from college. I may not necessarily be happy with my life there either, but at least I can stop thinking how miserable I am here. I just don’t know how to make this feeling stop. I’m in fucking NYC goddammit. I shouldn’t be crying over stupid shit like this. I just really want to be a part of something here that will make me happy, that will make me feel like I have a home away from home.