I feel sort of relieved. I sent him a message saying everything that I have been thinking of since yesterday. It took me more than half an hour to actually write and press send because honestly, right now I don’t know what to think of. I don’t know what he’s going to say. I don’t know how to face him at school on Monday. I do feel good that I got everything out, but I’m really scared of what’s going to happen.
So I should be actually starting on my homework right now cause I have soo much to do! But lately I haven’t been writing on here, and I just needa get these down so I can put it aside and focus on my studies right now. Got my grades. So I basically had a 15 min chat with my mom about it which included tears. It was bad and I knew it was. I actually love how my mom is so understanding and she knew what was going on. Normally with moms, they don’t know half of what’s going on, but my mom saw that I was doing bad in the beginning of the school year which kind of shocked me. I’m so glad I have a mom like her. And I took a super long shower thinking about everything. I was talking to David at first which really opened my eyes, cause when I was telling him stuff, I kind of contradicted myself with everything. It made me realize that I don’t exactly like Eli. I thought I really did cause I felt special when I liked him and he liked me. Those times have passed, so let’s just move on. I thought he was the one for me but that just shows how stupid I was, cause we don’t need anyone in this world as long as you stay true to yourself and it will lead to success. Yeah, that talk with my mom really tied in with this, so right now, I am seriously gonna try to forget about everything’s that happened so far in the first half of the year and just continue on trying my hardest to achieve my goal. A fresh cut. Just like the volleyball game where we lost the first 2 games, but came back with the next 2. This shows that if you really want something, start new and focus on it and it will lead you somewhere good.
SOPHOMORE’S- 20’s today. So me and shannon had everything planned out. She was gonna be my pimp daddy and I was gonna be her lady. I did my part and then she texted me in the morning saying that she doesn’t have the stuff anymore and told me to still dress up tho. So yeah I did, but she didn’t read my text til later so she didn’t bring my feather headband OR fish nets! WTHH! I actually was pretty excited for today too! So yeah I was in my dress this morning then went into the bathroom to change back into my normal clothes. BLEGH! In embryology, we watched this documentary about babies. It’s so cute :) Math went by fast today cause Ms. Quillin was basically doing the whole proof. LUNCH :D so like today was the Spirit Week competitions against the grades. So me shannon and mayra were at the roadcoach and then mayra was like, peter’s calling you! I’m like what? So I turned around, but this time I heard it. He was like crystal! crystal! I didn’t turn around cause I knew what it was about. He was telling me to do the competition where they tie a string with a pen around you and you have to drop the pen into the jar. LOL, so I went over there and he told me to do it too. Inside, I was like awwwhh, first time we’ve talked, and probably called me. LOL. seniooors <3 But yeah I went over there and just watched Ivan, Henry, John, and Galen. LOL. Henry was helluh funny tho cause the string was tied hella high so his ass was basically 4 ft off the floor. Hella funny though! LOL. We wond 2nd place though! Then the egg toss, sophomores won 1st place! WHOO! Eli and Kenny! :) 2nd round, I did it with Ivan. LOL. yeah. we got pretty far but then BHAAM. He threw it too hard and like it cracked an went down my shirt. HORRIBLE. LOL. So I went back inside to put on my dress that I originally wore. LOL. But when I was done, the pie contest was done though :( I wanted to see it. But we won 2nd place ! WHOO JULIAN! It was a really nice day though cause us sophomores we aren’t like spirited at all and it was nice seeing all the GUYS come together and compete against the other grades. HEHEHEE :)
I know I should be reading my humanities right now, but I can’t find the urge to shut down the computer and go read. I don’t want to go to sleep knowing that school’s going to happen the next day. I really don’t want to see my embryology quiz, cause I know I did bad. So I was reading some of my recent posts. So I’ve been going on back and forth with things in life. 1) Really want him back and change (drepression) and 2) Live life. I’ve been struggling with these two cause I don’t know how to balance both of them. I have a little bit of each, and it’s just hard when I honestly don’t know how I feel about my life right now.
Okay. so I was walking up to my locker today before main lesson started. and him and jackson and kenny was standing right next to it. I was walking towards it and I saw his back. He was wearing a sweater with those fancy pants. I was like damn. he must have a game, but you’re suppose to wear fancy on game days, so its alright. I go into the classroom and waited for the class to start. jackson walks in. okay. a couple of moments later, he walked in. and my face was actually in shock. i was seriously like O.O the whole time while watching him take his seat. He looked soooo nice like omg. I haven’t seen him this hot since like ever! seriously? can you get any more hotter? WTFFF. I’m not even suppose to like you! So why the fuck are you doing this to me?? It’s already bad enough knowing that I missed my chance, and now be this darn cute in front of me. You want me to suffer don’t you? I’m currently imagining him putting those clothes on this morning, and seeing him checking himself out in the mirror or something. He probably thought he looked nice, cause we all sure did! ahhh! I can’t get him outta my head! and I’m suppose to be studying embryology! all these new information and I still haven’t started! ommggg! get outta myy headdd!
I ask myself everyday why do I feel the way I do. I mean, I know from previous experiences that this is completely NOT worth it. I do NOT know why I’m still bothering with this, hoping that one day, it would change. Change for the good. He has two sides. One of them is the way he act around me at school. He’s a jerk, and just wants to have fun. On the other hand, he’s such a sweet sensitive guy that I wanna be with. Someone that already knows how I feel inside, and can comfort me. Whenever I’m feeling down, I know I can always go to him. Even if I’m not down, whenever I talk to him, it just makes my day. Like not to be a cliche, but he really has changed me. For the good and bad. I want to give up on him so badly, because I know waiting like this will change nothing. Daydreaming about the things I want to happen will not work. Action is what changes things. And me? No action will ever be done. I just let things take their own path, and just wish for the best. I guess that’s a good thing. Kind of. I know that the best for me would to just completely forget him, and be great friends, but I can’t just shake that feeling of there’s a guy who I care for and I feel happy with them and they are right there. Knowing that I have missed my chance, I can’t help but wonder if I might ever get a second chance. Hmm… let’s just wait and see =/
"When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it’s not because she’s dumb, it’s because she’s not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he’ll change."
Okay. So last night I couldn’t fall asleep cause I was too excited for today. I just wanted the day to end so I could go the the Guys JV Basketball game against Bay. The day started out pretty swifty through embryology. and then fricken came geometry. then i realize that i have geometry everyday now cause of the tutoring and double geometry on monday! WTFFF! like in geometry we dont do shit. it’s only like 3 problems the most, and I feel helluh stupid because I always need help. Like I can’t do it on my own. Then Spanish was aiight. And class meeting. LOL. so we were electing the final student council elective cause Anya left. And it was Sophie, Eli, and Ivan. They gave their speeches and stuff. Then when we voted, Sophie got 21. Eli got 6, and Ivan got 1. Of course i voted for Eli, not because of that, but because I thought that the things Sophie said has already been talked on for a long time. It was never resolved, but I guess she is more dedicated. But then after the voting, I looked over at him, and he actually look dissappointed. Before we even started the whole speeches, I was talking to Shannon and Ada and I said that he probably won’t care, but they said he would since he already put himself up for it. And then looking at his face.. I realized that I don’t know him as much as I thought I did. I used to think that I knew basically EVERYTHING about him. And now it’s just pathetic how I still think I have a chance. Okay, now I feel bad. Cause during the break, he poked me from behind and told me to vote for him. I turned around and laughed. WTH. I realized that’s actually pretty rude. And he was still standing there when I turned around. Way to make him not like you even more Crystal! Ugghhh! FML! And then PE and Humanities was alright. I was basically watching the clock go tick tock every moment I had cause I just wanted school to end already!! So it finally did. Thank God! But I had to wait for Mayra to finish her grammar tutoring, so I was just sitting out in the hallways playing with my Itouch. And then she finally came out, and we hopped on the K to go the gym. We were there like 5 minutes before it started, so we were just talking to Breanna, and when the guys came out. I kinda half smiled a little cause I saw Eli look at me. I’m blind, and I can still see that which means that I was right. HA, he was probably suprised. LOL, but that’s a good thing :) So then the game started. I still remember the scoreboard not working. and it was 13-1. Eli made the 1 freethrow. Kinda sad. Cause Liam and Kamana wasn’t playing! I was like WTHECK! I came here to see them and they didn’t even played! Kamana was playing on Varsity at Bay, and Liam hurt his ankle, but he was still there, which made it a lil better cause I know for shure he noticed me :) So Eli made the first 7 points, which was pretty impressive. Cause he knew he had to step it up. Without Liam and Kamana, he really had to be the shooter. So yeah, he made a total of 12 points out of 20 or 21 the whole team did, so that was nice. I also hoped that he played extra well cause he knew I would be watching him :P heehe. I am such a child. But yeah, they lost, but that’s alright. It’s still sad that this would be the last time I would watch Eli play on JV tho :( but varsity next year! :D and then when the game ended, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, and I thought I would have a chance to say good job to Eli, but he just like walked off, and I’m like wth. screw this. goodbye. so i left. yeah, that was pretty much my whole day. daaang. long ass pist today. aha
Okay, so today wasn’t a pretty bad day. Got my embryology quiz back. 90% not bad. Math was just ehh. Geometry can go suck it. I still haven’t started on my homework, and I don’t plan to until tomorrow 10 minutes before class starts. I really don’t give a fuck about Ms. Quillin anymore. It’s Dr. Carini who I’m scared about. Humanities was pretty decent, took a quiz for pretty much the whole block, but it was open book and I’m pretty sure I’m getting a 95%+. I love Ms. Hillman. haha. She doesn’t pay attention while grading cause I had like 6 mistakes on my test, and I still got a 96%. haha. Then choir came, and these stupid freshman. Learn to grow up already! Lunch, me and Shannon went to Starbucks for some drinks and ate our lunch there. I REALLY enjoyed art today. Even though I don’t like the shape of my pot, the carving and etching was super fun though. Can’t wait to finish! So after school, I had to go to Ocean for my first Geometry tutoring session. So I had more than an hour before it had to start, so I just went across the street to the Ingleside library to do my other homework. Pretty successful actually, my laptop just died, so I couldn’t do my Embryology, but I finished the others, which was great. Tutoring actually scared me. All these new things. Like he is a really good teacher. He makes you think, and be clear, and you HAVE to understand it before you go on. It scares me cause he pushes me really hard and we’re just going over the basics, and some of these things I haven’t even learned before! FUCK Ms. Quillin! I’m just really nervous about it and I don’t know if I could keep it up cause it’s just gonna be piled on top of everything. And besides, right now, it has nothing to do with what we’re learning in class now, so it’s extra hard for me to keep up with both the topics of geometry. I used to love algebra last year, but this year is just a pain in the ass. Ehh, but at least I’ll get to go to bed soon. Ahas. SUPER excited for the guys JV basketball game against Bay tomorrow! and esp. when the 2 hottest freshman and my crushie are playing . hahaha :P yeah. and then stonestown on wednesday. I don’t even wanna think about the tutoring on Friday =/
This two weeks have gone by super quickly. It’s been pretty boring and finally it all came to me on the last day. What am I doing here? As I sit here staring at this computer screen with my Spanish textbook opened in front of me, I realized that I hated school. School should be fun, where you would find friends who will understand you and be by your side when everything’s coming down. Do I have that? no. Sure, homework can be a toughie, but it’s there for your future. I’ve been complaining about learning this or that, when truth is, this is the path to your future. This is the path which is gonna send you out into the real world. Without the grades, you simply are nothing. I turned to the left where a calender hung on my wall. It’s still empty with no ink on it yet just cause I posted it up this morning. I’ve been wanting to fill it up, but was just too caught up on little things. I’m sitting here thinking that all I want to do is the little things, like organizing and things like that. But what is it gonna lead to? These are the teenage years where we don’t have to worry. Our families are always gonna be there when we need them to support and care for us. Once we’re older, it’s goodbye. You’re on your own. So live life as you can. You can never re-live childhood again. You always look back at things that you’ve truly miss, but look at that long road ahead of you for you to experience. You can look back at this moment when you’re older, but you can never come back. So enjoy this time and not worry about the bullshit in your life and just live up to it. Be proud that you are here and even though the future can scare you a bit, be prepared. Do good now, and it will definately benefit you in the long run.